Inspirational Coaching And AdviceColumnists, Kim Somers Egelsee — By Buddy Sampson on April 11, 2011 at 10:18 am
By Kim Somers Egelsee
Guilt is a common feeling that many humans feel from time to time. People tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves with should have, would have, could haves. For example, “If only I could have been in better shape, I would have won the marathon.”, or “I should have been nicer to my staff, then maybe so many of them wouldn’t have quit.” Many times guilt is an excuse to stay where one is at. If a person stays in the guilty or shameful feeling, they have an excuse not to step out and fix or improve the situation. A positive way to look at guilt, is as a learning or growing. At the time of the instance, we didn’t know any better. We learned from it, and now have a chance to not repeat the action again in the same way. Instead of guilt, we can feel improvement or a moving forward in our lives. Guilt gives us a reason to improve ourselves and find the gift out of the situation. Many times, this growth takes the advice and help from another, guided meditations, NLP, a coach, or a lot of study. This is good. Everyone can use the help of someone else in their lives to give them different perspectives, as well as that push towards greatness.
How do you create harmony with a domineering person who you know that deep down is very nice?
This can be a common situation at work, with a parent, or at times in love relationships. The first thing that you can do, is to realize that all of us have different programming. In each person’s mind there is a huge amount of stored memories and information that shapes what we believe, see and think about today. For example, Bill has stored memories of experiences from ages 0-8, his cultural beliefs and background, his religion, experiences as a teen and adult that have helped shape him, beliefs he has formed from his education and what he has seen on television, and more. This is what we all have inside of us. This can have a large impact on how we act, our attitude, the choices we make, and how we choose to communicate with others.
For example, Bob and Mary have a great marriage. They get along wonderfully. Mary doesn’t even remember this consciously, but her father used to hit her for not doing the dishes when she was just 6 years old. One day, Bob comes home and sees a pile of dishes in the sink. He jokingly teases Mary that she is lazy for not cleaning them. Mary yells at Bob, runs into a room, and slams the door. Bob is very confused at what just occurred. This happened as a result of a repressed childhood experience that Mary has never dealt with. This may make Mary remember, and she can choose to talk to someone to help her let it go, and deal with the pain of it. This can help her communicate and feel better in the future.
Therefore, when you are communicating with people, realize that they are coming from their programming of all of these aspects. Many times, they do not mean to be harsh or distant. If you can use your intuition to see deep inside of someone, and know that they have a good heart, this will help you communicate with them more empathetically and effectively. In the case of a domineering person, very often they do not feel in control or significant enough, so the domineering behavior helps them to feel secure and important. Speak into their listening. Find ways to interest them. If they are sarcastic, play into that lightly and humorously. If they seem to have walls up, find something that interests them such as sports or a hobbie, and break the walls down a bit with building rapport. Sometimes it is a matter of just being nice, but not saying much to them. Finally, try being a bit daring, and ask them some questions about themselves. They may surprise you.
In the area of guilt, how do you live life to it’s fullest without feeling guilty about not fulfilling the responsibilities that others expect from you?
The most important thing to realize here is that we cannot please everyone. On the show, “American Idol”, even the winner only receives about 55% of the votes to win. This means that the 45%, did not feel that they were a winner. This is true in life. You can only do your best. It is good to remind yourself, your best is going to be different when you begin the day with plenty of sleep, a great workout, and a healthy protein shake, than if you just got off of a long flight with two hours of sleep. Give yourself some credit, and some slack at times. Always ask yourself; If I am doing what others are expecting from me, is what I want for myself? Am I being a people pleaser? Am I doing something because I feel I should? Or, is it of my true essence and life purpose? Is it meaningful and important for me in my life? These questions are very helpful to keep in mind. You can feel proud of yourself that you are living for your true self, and that will help you live by example to others, and gain a great deal of respect.
Kim Somers Egelsee is a life coach and inspirational speaker. She is the leader of the Willow Tree Women’s Circle, Monarch Mastermind and speaks at groups and businesses worldwide. See her website www.kimlifecoach.com for more information.